Oh my, oh my. What a day I've had. Day 50 - you might go down in the history of days as a real doosey! I am late. Not late for a very important date late but late as in I could be pregnant late. I am a clockwork girl and for me to be three days late is really odd. From Friday night to this morning I entertained the thought of God's small revealed plan for Martin and I changing. But curiosity got the best of me and I went out and bought one of those expensive pregnancy test. It was NEGATIVE. I'm fine with it and so was Martin we were both a bit disappointed but me - I was disappointed in an odd sort of way. It's been years since I was anxiously awaiting each month to see if I was pregnant. I'd fool myself into thinking that my symptoms that month were different than the previous and I would get excited only to be disappointed month after month. Some months were easy some were not. Then I started praying (as I know many others were too) that God would relieve me from that bondage. That is no way to live a life. I don't care what your views are but being consumed in something two out of the four weeks of a month - that's an idol if I ever saw one.
I was disappointed because something came over me that I never realized was there. I was upset that I might be pregnant. What?!?! Are you reading that correctly? Yes! I was upset. I was excited that there might be a life inside of me but God revealed another idol in my heart in the midst of it. "Martin and I are called to adoption, God!" "We have laid down a plan and You need to go by that plan, God." Wow. Maybe not those exact words were in my heart but they were formulating. We are taking the year to "pray and pay" and then next year we are taking the year to start the walk through adoption. It will take a couple of years and we will be able to have everything paid off and I will be able to stay at home with my child. You see, as of now we have become dependent on my income. It was intentional because we figured that once Martin graduated with his MBA he would be placed in a higher paying job and all my income would go straight to adoption until we were ready to go get our little one. But that's not what God has shown us in the past year. Martin is still at the same job with the same pay. And this means that if everything stayed the same then I would have to be a working mother and that was not in my plans! Not that God is bigger than all of that. He loves to show off and He might have chosen to do so in ways I can't imagine. But the bottom line is - I said God was that big but when push came to shove - I didn't believe it - and that is sin.
So, I sit here still late but with a negative test. Showing the idols of my heart and so, so thankful that God revealed them to me even if it seems a bit harsh. But it's sin. It needs to be dealt with harshly. We're talking about stuff that sent our Savior to the cross - all to make us righteous in our Father's eyes. That deserves harshness don't you think?
I read today in Romans 6:6 & 7 - Knowing this, that our old man was crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves of sin. For he who has died has been freed from sin.
What a day - Day 50 you have been.