Many people know what they are doing or going to be doing for the rest of their lives. They have an idea or a goal. Sometimes I feel like Martin and I want to be those people but we aren't. I struggle knowing why God hasn't allowed me to be in the place I desire to be in. Is it because I have done something to hinder that desire? Are we missing something? Do I really know what I want? Am I there but being discontent?
I get scared sometimes. What if we missed our opportunities to be parents? What if my inability to lose weight has caused us not to have children? What if our unwise spending (including grad school) has hindered what God really wanted to do through us? But then I must stop. I must stop wondering. I must cling to what is true. What is true is that God has us right where He wants us today. We are seeking Him and looking to Him for our next step so I can truly say that with confidence.
I was talking to someone yesterday about the difference between hoping and clinging. She had recently broken up with a guy and said she wasn't sure if God wanted them to be together one day. I told her it was okay to hope in that if that was a desire for her. She said she couldn't hope. Hoping wasn't healthy. But I corrected her - hoping in something is different than clinging. She shouldn't cling to the idea they may one day be together again. Clinging is a great picture word. Clinging to the idea that they might be married one day makes it look like she would be putting all her effort and trust in to that idea. There is only a few things we should cling to - God and the things of God found in His word. Those are clingers! Hope is something we can live around. It's confident expectations. I have lots of hopes in my life but they aren't going to hinder my walk with God.
So I will hope for certain things - children, a great job for Martin, a time where I can stay home, a time when we can be debt free (no more school loans - *sigh*). But I will cling to God's promises.
We've got missions committee meeting tonight. Love ministering in that committee. What an awesome responsibility.