Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Day 339 - Wholly Guacamole Batman It's Been A Long Time!

How did December pass so quickly? I ask myself. Well, let's see.

It started like any other December, I suppose but soon the month was interrupted by my granddaddy dying rather suddenly on December 12. It was a huge answer to prayer which sounds terrible but just trust me - he's with Jesus, right where he wants to be. That week was shot (and by shot I mean I got to spend a few unexpected days with my family!). The next week consisted of Christmas blur and now it's December 29. My mind wants it to be December 28 but it's not. Holiday weeks are so confusing for the order in my mind.

I was listening to Matt Chandler last week at work and he said something that I've adopted as my motto this year. He said (and yes, I pause, rewind and type out word for word) :::

My prayer is that we would experience a holy discontentment with where our lives are and a hope for where they could be.

Holy Discontentment
Do you get that? I actually get choked up seeing that phrase. I've wrestled with discontentment all year yet most of what I was discontent about was Holy. And instantly pride filled my heart with that realization. And that is the ever encompassing battle I have with Light and Darkness.

This year has brought so many changes in my heart. I have starting writing out my thoughts and I'm so thankful I actually did it. It's not easy writing things out. When I put my weaknesses, strengths, quirks, and neurotic behaviors out there I am giving people close to me (or not) a right to ask further about the deepest parts of my life. I've gotten frustrated about it and have fought through my struggle.

I remember sitting with my friend Becky (I wrote about her here) on her couch and she was bawling her eyes out saying that she craved beans and rice. She craved more for her family. More than her husband's job, her beautiful house in suburbia. I am now the age she was at that moment and now I know. I have knowledge, true knowledge of what she was feeling. I know we aren't moving to Mexico to be full time missionaries but God has called Martin and I to adoption. And my holy discontentment with the American dream, the sickness of the American church, and the unholy contentment of the American Christian has left me seeking God for mercy one minute and frustration with my life the next. Again, the ever encompassing battle I have with Light and Darkness.

It's almost been a year since I started this blog. My goal was to lose weight. I have. And I've put some back on. And I've lost some again. It's just like the title is called ::: two steps forward one step back. But God has started taking Martin and I somewhere. He's been so patient with us. He's been very loving by disciplining us. Martin and I have grown so much this year and we truly love each other more.

So if I don't get around to a New Years blog then we'll just say this is it okay? Thanks.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Day 311 - What If?

Something that has been going around in my mind is: What if I get pregnant while in the process of adoption?

While meditating on this question a lot of things came out. One was pride (surprise, surprise). I don't want to be that person. Someone who, ten years down the road tells a struggling woman who is thinking about adoption, Oh yeah we were going to adopt but as soon as we started the paperwork we got pregnant and we never went through with it. Honestly, there isn't anything wrong with that person because I believe that if you're called to something and seeking after God he will not let that calling go from your desires or life.

Lots of questions came up as I was meditating on this too. One was, should we still go on with the adoption even though I'm pregnant or hold off? The normal thing to do is hold off. But I'm not that normal so part of me wants to continue on with the adoption process while we are pregnant.

Then the guilt part came up while thinking on this. Guilty feelings all around! Should I bring a child into the world then go get more children from halfway around the globe in a matter of months or years? Or, is it fair to our children we adopt to have a baby at home to spread my time with?

So my solution to all of this? Birth Control. That's right, birth control. I need to go on birth control. That way I'm in charge.

BUT God's solution to this? Get over it and leave it to me. Stop wasting your time worrying and calling it "meditating."

So, I'm just not going to talk about it, worry about it, or "meditate" on it anymore. Starting now.