Much of my difficulty in this transition has been shocking. There has been so much that has taken me by surprise. I have analyzed why this might be. Last week I went down to South Jersey for a retirement party of a former coworker and many people were saying that I was living their dream. I laughed because I AM LIVING MY DREAM! Yet, the reality of this dream is not as pretty as it was in my mind. I walked into this move thinking it was going to be fun. But that's not reality. We are doing what God wanted us to do. Why did I think it was going to be easy and pretty and dreamy? For too long I've walked my Christian life scared of doing ALL God wanted. I've said, "Yes Lord! Yes! Send me! (Except could you make it easy and oh, please be gentle and oh, I'd like to take some things with me and oh, let's not be all weird cause then we'll be 'those people' - K? Thanks.)"
But for only the second time in my life I've been willing to let go of it all. Everything. Honestly, I suppose God has been very merciful because He has done most of it for me. Stripping us of everything and everyone. And as I have come to this place, our pastor tells about us about 40 days prayer our church is going to do together. He preached on Joel 2:12-32. Verse 12 and 13 say, "'Yet even now,' declares the Lord, 'return to me with all your heart, with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning; and rend your hearts and not your garments.' Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love; and he relents over disaster."
I've been thinking a lot lately about when I first became a Christian. In April of 1999, I became a child of God. I really didn't know what I was getting myself into. I just knew I did not have a relationship with God and I wanted one. I knew that in order for that to be possible, Jesus died for me and I could do nothing on my own but accept that sweet, sweet gift. I was the whore wiping Jesus' feet with my tears. But now, I feel like I've morphed into the Pharisee trying to gain God's approval with my awesomeness. It's not something I set out to do, but walking through life trying to make everything easy, it just happens. It's a side effect of an easy life.
I am excited about our 40 days of returning. He's brought us to that point through these hard months. I'm expecting great things. And I'm not hoping it will be easy, for the first time.