How did December pass so quickly? I ask myself. Well, let's see.
It started like any other December, I suppose but soon the month was interrupted by my granddaddy dying rather suddenly on December 12. It was a huge answer to prayer which sounds terrible but just trust me - he's with Jesus, right where he wants to be. That week was shot (and by shot I mean I got to spend a few unexpected days with my family!). The next week consisted of Christmas blur and now it's December 29. My mind wants it to be December 28 but it's not. Holiday weeks are so confusing for the order in my mind.
I was listening to Matt Chandler last week at work and he said something that I've adopted as my motto this year. He said (and yes, I pause, rewind and type out word for word) :::
My prayer is that we would experience a holy discontentment with where our lives are and a hope for where they could be.
Do you get that? I actually get choked up seeing that phrase. I've wrestled with discontentment all year yet most of what I was discontent about was Holy. And instantly pride filled my heart with that realization. And that is the ever encompassing battle I have with Light and Darkness.
This year has brought so many changes in my heart. I have starting writing out my thoughts and I'm so thankful I actually did it. It's not easy writing things out. When I put my weaknesses, strengths, quirks, and neurotic behaviors out there I am giving people close to me (or not) a right to ask further about the deepest parts of my life. I've gotten frustrated about it and have fought through my struggle.
I remember sitting with my friend Becky (I wrote about her here) on her couch and she was bawling her eyes out saying that she craved beans and rice. She craved more for her family. More than her husband's job, her beautiful house in suburbia. I am now the age she was at that moment and now I know. I have knowledge, true knowledge of what she was feeling. I know we aren't moving to Mexico to be full time missionaries but God has called Martin and I to adoption. And my holy discontentment with the American dream, the sickness of the American church, and the unholy contentment of the American Christian has left me seeking God for mercy one minute and frustration with my life the next. Again, the ever encompassing battle I have with Light and Darkness.
It's almost been a year since I started this blog. My goal was to lose weight. I have. And I've put some back on. And I've lost some again. It's just like the title is called ::: two steps forward one step back. But God has started taking Martin and I somewhere. He's been so patient with us. He's been very loving by disciplining us. Martin and I have grown so much this year and we truly love each other more.
So if I don't get around to a New Years blog then we'll just say this is it okay? Thanks.