Last week in small group we talked about why we don't tell others about Jesus. Now y'all I'm going to let you in on a little secret: I hate telling people about Jesus. Well, let me rephrase that, I hate telling people who don't love Jesus about Jesus. I'll talk till I'm blue in the face about Jesus to other Jesus lovers. We'll cuddle up with some good coffee or tea and talk all about him. But for someone who doesn't love Jesus, to talk about him, I'm as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rockin' chairs.
I stayed pretty quiet during the discussion (for some - you know that's not normal, for others - you just don't know me well yet). The discussion pretty much was the same as others I've heard. "People know I'm different but when it comes to telling someone, I'm scared."
Well, it's just like the Holy Spirit to not let me just brush this aside. I've been fighting with him. I mean like, good, justifiable excuses. I'm so stinkin' good at them. I know I missed my calling as a lawyer. But as I've dug deep down to the bottom of my soul, my heart was yet once more exposed. And peeps, it ain't pretty.
You see, the reason I don't tell others about the Jesus that found me as a twenty-one year old is not the one I love. I love me. I mean, I really love me. I get up first thing in the morning and all I think about is me. How can I make the day go easier for me. What food can I get in my body for me. What clothes will make me look good. I wish I had better make-up for me. I want to make a nice dinner for Martin...so he'll praise me. I need to exercise so I can eat whatever I want or so I'll start losing this stinkin' weight. Goodness gracious, I even pray for our future children selfishly (Lord please let them be loved by someone so they don't have attachment issues when we adopt them cause that will be so hard) Me, me, me, me.
I don't not tell others about Jesus cause I'm scared (I am - like really scared), I don't tell them about him because I love me more than them and I'd rather not share Jesus. I don't regularly pray for those I know know something about him. I don't ask those who are witnessing regularly about the ones they are sharing Christ with. All because I don't care.
Here's the good thing out of all of this, my conviction is one of the proofs I am saved. Who we are without Christ is U.G. to the L.Y.
And this is where I am. I know so much about God and doctrine and I love learning it but right now I'm like the Pharisees who liked to talk about God and learn about God and then they were content leaving it at that.
For the last several months I've gone through a depression. After reading a book that called me out on my sin, I didn't know the next step. Do we sell our house and move to Camden? They need Jesus over there. I wrestled like I've never wrestled before. But as usual, I thought I needed to do more for God right now or I wouldn't be approved by him. And it hit me the other day. God told me to go over and talk to my neighbor (I'm not the friendliest neighbor in the world). I obeyed and went over to talk to Carol. By the time I walked over there, sweaty palms and shaking (she's super nice person - I just got scared at the thought I might bring up the Jesus thing)she had gone inside. I chatted with her kids for a bit and oo'd and aah'd over their new frisbee and left knowing one thing, I obeyed the Spirit right then. But that's not where I stop. It's where I start.
So, I ask you to pray with me and for me; that I will tell others about Jesus. God doesn't need us. But I've taken that and twisted it and justified it to God doesn't want us to help and honestly, my actions would say that I'm a functioning universalist. *gasp*
That I won't just look at this and turn away and forget it like the man in James 1. That I'll allow the Spirit to mold me and make me into the woman he wants. And I know that woman is one who talks about her Jesus outside of her safe zone. And out of that, comes service to others, and true radical living.
On my wall in my kitchen we have written, "My biggest fear, even now, is that I will hear Jesus' words and walk away. Content to settle for less than radical obedience to him." (David Platt) May it never be.