I've been going through a transition at work. My job hasn't changed but I was hired under our CFO who took over the duties of director in my department until we found someone. For almost two years I worked under the best boss in the world. I really mean that. I knew it would come to an end at some point and in January it did. My new boss is wonderful. He is getting to know the job quickly, he has a passion about it and has been very patient with me during the transition. But there is one thing that I don't like: Change.
I say I like change and I welcome it but I say a lot of things and think deep down that I mean it but when my actions are put to the test, I usually resist. So I've come home several nights in the past month frustrated by change. It's not because my new boss has done something wrong or mean or even changed my job. It's just I really liked it the way it was more than how it is now. And the crazy thing is - it seems that the way it was, was better - but having a new director in my job is best.
My mind automatically goes to the Israelites and how they thought Egypt was better than being in the wilderness. They were in bondage in Egypt. In the wilderness they were free. They were treated like animals in Egypt. In the wilderness they were given food every morning (that fell from the sky for goodness sakes!) and the Most High God led them around. Yet, because it was wasn't familiar, they complained and wanted to go back.
I'm embarrassed to say that God has exposed this resistance to change in other parts of my life. I sit here with tears in my eyes this morning. Not out of conviction but because today is February 3 and today Verizon Wireless customers can pre-order the iPhone. And I'm not getting one. I've waited a year for one. I decided against getting anything for Christmas so that I could buy one when they came out this year. But Martin and I decided that getting a smart phone, especially one that cost $199 (just for the phone), would not be wise right now since we're trying to save and pay for our adoption. I wish I could say that I want some babies from Africa more than an iPhone but honestly, right now I want an iPhone more. And that is embarrassing and sad and ridiculous and stupid and so short-minded. And it exposes a selfishness that didn't just come because of this circumstance. But because I have allowed it, for awhile, to come in my heart and stir and fester by soul.
So as I confess this before God and my blog readers (mom and mom Fern), I'm meditating on some words of Truth:
- For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, "Abba! Father!" Romans 8:15
- So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin. Roman 7:21-25
The iPhone will be old news in a couple of months. But the battle for my soul will be ever constant. And I have to stand guard and keep falling to my knees at the cross of the One who saved me because I am a worthless wretch without Jesus.