The Good Wife

There is a girl on Facebook that I am "friends" with. We went to college together and had mutual friends. I think her then boyfriend and now husband and my then boyfriend now husband were in the same dorm. I remember having one conversation with her. She's from California and uber cool. She's a photographer and a mom and a wife and a lot of other fab things. I guess I'm a bit obsessed with her. I don't mean to be but she is very real and I just love real.

I don't feel like I get much real in my life. I try to be real but my real isn't uber cool like hers.

She's been reading and quoting a lot of this book Created To Be His Help Meet: Discover how God can make your marriage glorious by Debi Pearl. So of course I bought it on my Kindle because she's so uber cool.

Let's just say it's been rocking my world. Seriously. I don't realize how much false teaching has crept into my heart lately. I know that's how it starts, false teaching, creeping in and slowly taking over like an ink stain on a piece of paper.

In 2 Timothy, Paul warns Timothy that in the last days, people "will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power." He says to, "avoid such people. For among them are those who creep into households and capture weak women, burdened with sins and led astray by various passions, always learning and never able to arrive at a knowledge of the truth."

I like to think I am all strong and mighty but Paul (through the Holy Spirit) knows the woman's heart. It is easily strayed.

Back to this book. I'm in the middle of the second chapter, there are twenty-four and folks, it is practical! I tried something I read yesterday but let me give you a background first ::

Martin's car broke down and we had it towed to the closet Jeep dealership. We don't know this dealership and the estimate was $500. I hate feeling at the mercy of someone you don't trust. Days went by and we got the run-around - parts backordered, maybe tomorrow, maybe the next day, we'll call you. You all know the drill. During all of this we both had to go to work and Marin's job is, let's call it mobile. He has to travel a bit and he's generally gone from 6:30 AM to 7:00 PM. And I have one of those cushy jobs that goes from 8:30 AM to 4:30 PM with an hour break for lunch. Guess who was in control of the car? Yup, my mobile husband.

We both compromised our schedules. I went in super early. He went in a little late. He left super early. I left a little late. The weekend was hard too. But Tuesday came and it was a glorious day, the Jeep was ready!

But there was a catch, Martin was working 2 hours away from my place of employment and the Jeep was 45 minutes away from there. After being in my office from 7:15 AM to 5:45 PM yesterday I decided to go downstairs to relax on one of our stiff 1980's lobby couches. I got a snack and Sprite out of the vending machine, propped my feet up on the 1980's coffee table, and got my Kindle out. Now, I knew Martin would be there in less than an hour and would probably be hungry but honestly, I didn't want to get him anything. Somehow in my mind, since it was his Jeep, it was his fault. So no, I wasn't going to get him anything.

But let me tell ya'll, this book has put so much into perspective. I am his help meet. And one practical thing I got out the chapter or so of reading was that I needed to be a happy wife. One who smiles and laughs in front of my husband. We are in a competition with the world and people in it and I need to be a place of relief for him. I immediately purposed in my heart right there to make our 45 minute trek down to the dealership a happy time. I went and bought him peanut M&Ms and saved half my Sprite. And ya'll, we had the best trip down. While there we looked at cars in the showroom and agreed we hated the new Jeeps (they were much too pretty for our taste) and went looking at some minivans. I am anti-minivans but only because my heart is so full of pride and yuckiness. We went to dinner and I let him sit facing the Flyers game (that's hockey, mom). It was the best night.

And the weirdest thing happened, I went to bed with a happy heart. Funny how we let the lies creep in to our lives - that if we make our husbands [insert coworkers, friends, parents, children] pay for our discontentment that will make life better.

I guess the old saying "A happy wife, a happy life" is true. It's just all about how you look at it.

Dealing

Last week at this time I was mourning a dream that I felt God had led Martin and I to. And I was a mess. I was crying (which isn't that big of deal since it has seemed like a daily thing for the past two months) and feeling like I had physically lost someone or some people, little people that I had yet to meet but I loved already, maybe a sibling group or a couple of babies. They didn't have faces but I knew them deep in my heart.

Today, a week later, I am happy to say I'm dealing. I still feel like I've lost children that I've never met. I see families for the first time and physically ache that I don't have children. I have honestly never felt that before. I've never seen couples with children and wished I had a family like that. I would look at them with an anticipation of what was to come. And now I feel like that dream died. I don't know how else to say it. I know it's not final, this cut in adoption allowances in Ethiopia, but for the first time in this journey, Martin and I both feel like we're supposed to simply stop. Stop planning. Stop dreaming. Just stop. I guess this is a tiny feeling of how women feel after a miscarriage.

But there is hope, which is not something I felt last week. But not the kind of hope I've had for the past year or so. My hope was in things to come. But this hope is completely different. It's just hope in Jesus. That's all. Nothing more. Nothing less.

I don't think I ever once questioned God sovereignty in this journey. Our pastor talked about the sovereignty of God today and I was reassured that I was not doubting what God is doing or has planned. I'm not mad at Him. I simply like to know a bit of what He's doing. I like to be "in" on the plan. Just a glimpse. And for a long time God has allowed that.

But now, I realize Martin and I are in a play as extras, performing and watching things unfold as we're acting. And suddenly, the curtain has closed and the lights have been turned off and we're left standing there, waiting for the next scene to start.

And we're not in charge. We're not the Director (or even the executive producers which I like to think sometimes). We're just extras. And that's awesome, cause folks not everybody gets to be on stage. Not everyone is asked to perform. But for some reason we were chosen to do so. And because of that, I'll wait. I'll wait for my Director to give directions. And until then we'll stay put and keep our eyes on the Director. We can't see Him, it's too dark. We can't always hear Him. We can't feel Him but we know He's there because He never moves. He never waivers. He is constant, our Constant. So we'll wait until the lights come back on. And when they do, watch out! I will appreciate so much more because trusting and obeying during the darkest times makes the light so much brighter.

So What Does This Mean?

Read an article last night that said they are stopping adoptions in Ethiopia by 90%. Not sure what to think. I feel numb. I know God has a plan through all of this. I know He works things out for good. I know He is in control. I know all of this is for His glory. I know the world doesn't revolve around me. But right now I'm just numb. I am angry at one thing: Now that Ethiopia is going to be taken away (I'm jumping to conclusions, but just let me right now) - I see that yet again I filled my heart with Ethiopia and the plans there instead of God. I made something else my idol. My ever wandering heart has been exposed yet again and I am thankful for that. Because if I never have children, if I lose it all, well, then blessed me the name of the Lord.