Tuesday, November 22, 2011

The Breakdown

Today, I am recovering from a near breakdown. Who knew you could bake breaded chicken for dinner and three hours later be blubbering in the family room over computer and marketing books, You Tube tutorials, notes and a computer?

But you can.

And I did.

My school has changed their due dates from Sunday night at 11:59 to Monday night at 11:59. The only thing that means for me is I don't work out on Tuesday mornings because I've been up until midnight on Monday compared to not working out on Monday mornings because I was up until midnight on Sunday.

This session has been different than my other sessions. I think it's kind of like babies. You're always surprised how different the new baby is from your previous one or ones. Like you forget they have their own DNA and personality.

I am in a marketing course and a computer programing course. My major is management and computers so one would assume I spend the majority of my time in the computer course. It's why I decided to go back to school, yet again. It made total sense to me at the time.

But well, my marketing course has a group project that is 20% of my final grade and there are drafts due throughout the entire 8 week course. And I'm in the group with a bunch of military people who chose to design and market a device to, you guessed it, THE MILITARY. Awesome. The most I know about the military I've learned from the following: Saving Private Ryan, G.I Joe cartoons and that's about it. That's really all I got. I wasn't allowed to watch M*A*S*H growing up. I mean, my husband does watch some military shows on the telly but I get so nervous when they're out looking for bombs I have to leave the room and look at craft websites to soothe my soul.

I've never worked on a group project over the Internet and I'm going to tell you how I feel about it. I hate it. Like genuinely hate it. Like I want to stomp on it and do the Dance of Joy that Balki did on Perfect Strangers. But instead I obsess over it. I don't want to be the slacker so I spend hours researching the device they want to design and market just to get close to their level of knowledge. Then I volunteer for the hardest part of the project. Awesome.

And do you know what we call this? The fear of man. And by we, I mean the Bible and God and Jesus.

So that leads to last night. Sitting in a pile of papers, books and computer crying because I couldn't grasp variables in codes. A foundational piece of coding and I had not spent enough time on it because I was working hours on that stupid project. And I had to take a midterm for the marketing course that I had spent hours on that stupid project. All because I wanted to be awesome.

I sure hope I learned my lesson. And I know that my poor husband regretted coming home from the gym last night. I'm sure he was hitting himself thinking about how he should've climbed up the gutters to the second story and gone through a window so he could've avoided me. But God used his words to me and his silence. And he used my stupidity. I sure am glad it's good for something. That's what we call "working ALL things together for good." Stupidity might be one of the main ingredients for that. At least it is for me.

1 comment:

Kathleen said...

You are so hard on yourself... Working on a group project over the internet would be hellacious! So glad the Lord is with you each step of the way (and the Lord never made you stupid)