Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Day 269 - Let's Be Honest

Let's be honest, shall we? Some days I miss not being able to be pregnant. Some days I wonder what it would be like to have a baby from the moment God makes him in my belly all the way to the end. But those are just some days. I think God has been very merciful in taking away the strong desire to birth a baby. I've been able to mourn that hope but at the same time (and I don't expect many to get this) keep that hope alive because God can do what He wants and if that's putting a baby in my belly then so be it. I won't stop praying for that but my biggest desire is that He will give me the desire and strength to purposefully give Him glory in all things.

I read a blog the other day (surprise, surprise) that talked about how many people give and willingly accept the "savior complex" when it comes to adoption. I hope that I never portray that to others and it can only happen if I don't let that seed of pride take root in my heart. I am not doing something better than those who have babies through the belly. I am just doing what I think God called Martin and I too. So it's hard to explain because it's deeper than us wanting children and doing anything to get them but at the same time we aren't the saviors of the children that we will (Lord willing) one day adopt. I don't want others to think we are doing something bigger than they are. The comparison game is an evil one to play. I play it on so many levels then slug my sorry self back to the cross, remembering that we all deserve hell and that's it, outside the work Jesus did on the cross.

So if I may be honest and frank (why does frank get to be a proper noun and an adjective?), I think we all desire for something more. Something different. Something radical. We all want to make a difference in this world whether we know Christ or not. It's what we do with that desire that is the biggie. Outside of Christ, our works are like the grossest of garbage. But inside of Christ when we do something, we purposefully glorify Him. He'll be glorified no matter what, but when we are purposeful we get to join in that. That's good stuff. Good, good stuff.

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