I Think I'm Going To Stop Counting

I ask you a question:

Is it okay if I stop counting my days?

(and another question)

Would that go against everything this blog is about?

You see, I spent the other night counting my days in my past entries because I realized I had miscounted somewhere and had to change my days in SO many posts. Which really messed up some of my posts that I mentioned the day in. I think I corrected it all.

Martin wanted to make a cute little spreadsheet for me to figure out my days but I really like counting with my fingers so I politely declined. I need feedback. If you think I should continue counting then I will (this is day 367, by the way).

The last few weeks have happened in a blur. I'm not very organized at this point in my life and it shows by the lack of blogging. The following are ways I'm not organized: my house is messy (not to the naked eye but if you sit down you will see the dust bunnies creeping out from under the couches teasing you). My devotion time has been a bit sporadic. I mean if I sit down at home I'm good. But it's mostly at work for a few minutes when I feel super guilty (which is the old man creeping in - thinking I can win my Father's approval by checking devos off my list). My exercise has stopped. I could give you really, really good excuses. One being work. It's a crazy time for me but I could still find an hour to work out if I really wanted to.

On a positive note, Martin and I are trying to be purposeful and sit at the dining room table for dinner every night and talk. My man is so busy with his big boy job that we go days without talking. We chat but talking is so rare. We're trying to do that at dinner and after. Also, we are being tight tight tight on our money. We are going to have to sacrifice when we have kids and unlike most people we are going to sacrifice to get our kids. SO God has allowed us to be tight which has kicked us both in the pants to do our part. This means Starbucks only as a special occasion (Martin's weakness) and out to eat for dates a couple of times a month (my weakness). We have done some practical things like cut some things off our cell phone and cable bill, canceled Netflix and a few others. That helps our monthly fixed bills.

So one day - will I have all that is unorganized and the great things we are working on all together? Not sure. But I'm sure gonna try.

Day 347 - New Thoughts

I've said it before and I'll say it again! I love sermons. I love lectures. I love to think. It's really weird because fifteen years ago I would have rolled my eyes to those sentences above. But now I find great joy in listening to sermons at work and then thinking through them on my usually silent drive to and from work. And let me tell you, I love music but as I've gotten older I have found that great conversations go on in my head with God and me during those 20 minutes to and from work.

I listened to Beth Moore as she spoke this year to Passion. Passion is a college seminar, if you will. It is tons of speakers and really cool Christian song artist all together down in Atlanta. I've never had the privilege to go and probably never will but they have put the speakers online for us old people and that makes me so very happy.

Beth, that's what I call her. I follow her on Twitter and she puts pictures of her camping trips up so I really feel like I can call her by her first name. She talked about renewing your mind. And then this morning I read about that in Ephesians 5. Something she said hit me and it's given me a new way of looking at things. It's nothing new and I should have known it (and I do know it) and I should be doing it (it's a discipline that doesn't happen by osmosis). Beth said that instead of taking something that has happened in your past or present and purposing yourself to not think about it any longer you need to change the way you think about it.

Have you ever done this before? I will purpose myself not to think about something that happened either going on now or in my past. It's usually something that someone has done to me or someone I love. I get so upset thinking about it and I'm ready to fight. Then I'll get convicted and confess my stupidness and resolve to not think about it any longer. Then I find myself telling someone about it three days later and getting all upset again. And so goes the pattern.

Beth (remember we're good friends) was saying that renewing your mind is not forgetting, it's replacing God's redemption over your life and your past. So it's almost like a filter. And when we filter our past and our circumstances in this way we are seeing them as God does - which is: everything happens because and for His glory (that's what John Piper talked about but that's another day).

Whoop! Whoop! Friends, what is more priceless than gold is a Truth from God's word put into real, everyday practice.

I highly recommend you watch/listen to the speakers at Passion. Ben Terry, one of my favorite bloggers ever has all of the videos up for your viewing pleasure. I think I might watch to them all about 100 times. Click HERE for the link.

Day 339 - Wholly Guacamole Batman It's Been A Long Time!

How did December pass so quickly? I ask myself. Well, let's see.

It started like any other December, I suppose but soon the month was interrupted by my granddaddy dying rather suddenly on December 12. It was a huge answer to prayer which sounds terrible but just trust me - he's with Jesus, right where he wants to be. That week was shot (and by shot I mean I got to spend a few unexpected days with my family!). The next week consisted of Christmas blur and now it's December 29. My mind wants it to be December 28 but it's not. Holiday weeks are so confusing for the order in my mind.

I was listening to Matt Chandler last week at work and he said something that I've adopted as my motto this year. He said (and yes, I pause, rewind and type out word for word) :::

My prayer is that we would experience a holy discontentment with where our lives are and a hope for where they could be.

Holy Discontentment
Do you get that? I actually get choked up seeing that phrase. I've wrestled with discontentment all year yet most of what I was discontent about was Holy. And instantly pride filled my heart with that realization. And that is the ever encompassing battle I have with Light and Darkness.

This year has brought so many changes in my heart. I have starting writing out my thoughts and I'm so thankful I actually did it. It's not easy writing things out. When I put my weaknesses, strengths, quirks, and neurotic behaviors out there I am giving people close to me (or not) a right to ask further about the deepest parts of my life. I've gotten frustrated about it and have fought through my struggle.

I remember sitting with my friend Becky (I wrote about her here) on her couch and she was bawling her eyes out saying that she craved beans and rice. She craved more for her family. More than her husband's job, her beautiful house in suburbia. I am now the age she was at that moment and now I know. I have knowledge, true knowledge of what she was feeling. I know we aren't moving to Mexico to be full time missionaries but God has called Martin and I to adoption. And my holy discontentment with the American dream, the sickness of the American church, and the unholy contentment of the American Christian has left me seeking God for mercy one minute and frustration with my life the next. Again, the ever encompassing battle I have with Light and Darkness.

It's almost been a year since I started this blog. My goal was to lose weight. I have. And I've put some back on. And I've lost some again. It's just like the title is called ::: two steps forward one step back. But God has started taking Martin and I somewhere. He's been so patient with us. He's been very loving by disciplining us. Martin and I have grown so much this year and we truly love each other more.

So if I don't get around to a New Years blog then we'll just say this is it okay? Thanks.

Day 311 - What If?

Something that has been going around in my mind is: What if I get pregnant while in the process of adoption?

While meditating on this question a lot of things came out. One was pride (surprise, surprise). I don't want to be that person. Someone who, ten years down the road tells a struggling woman who is thinking about adoption, Oh yeah we were going to adopt but as soon as we started the paperwork we got pregnant and we never went through with it. Honestly, there isn't anything wrong with that person because I believe that if you're called to something and seeking after God he will not let that calling go from your desires or life.

Lots of questions came up as I was meditating on this too. One was, should we still go on with the adoption even though I'm pregnant or hold off? The normal thing to do is hold off. But I'm not that normal so part of me wants to continue on with the adoption process while we are pregnant.

Then the guilt part came up while thinking on this. Guilty feelings all around! Should I bring a child into the world then go get more children from halfway around the globe in a matter of months or years? Or, is it fair to our children we adopt to have a baby at home to spread my time with?

So my solution to all of this? Birth Control. That's right, birth control. I need to go on birth control. That way I'm in charge.

BUT God's solution to this? Get over it and leave it to me. Stop wasting your time worrying and calling it "meditating."

So, I'm just not going to talk about it, worry about it, or "meditate" on it anymore. Starting now.

Day 302 - People Say Silly Things

I've said the dumbest things to people when I have no idea what they are going through. I may think I know but if I've never been through it and have never walked with someone through it - it's safe to say you don't know what they're going through.

Now, one thing we have in common with other followers of Christ is that we can take someone to the Word and show them Truth in any situation. But that's not what I want to write about.

As many know, we've been walking through the adoption process. God has taken our hearts to places we never knew it could go! We are so thankful he has worked in and on us before we have started the paperwork and now that we are in that process I want to go over some silly things people say.

A little background first: My friend Christine and I have talked about how people say dumb things and don't realize it. She was single for years and people have said all the typical things to her: Christine, as soon as you are content in being single then God is going to bring you someone. Or Christine, I know of a guy who works with my second cousin and I'm not sure where he is spiritually but he's single and your single so maybe you should go out with him and see what happens!

She and I would laugh at these things but honestly, I've said just as many dumb things as the next person. It usually isn't with something I've been through. It's usually something I think I know about. And there lies the problem. I believe God allows us to go through trials and tribulations ultimately because it brings him glory and that's all that really matters but our God is so unique and smart that he gives us opportunity to share with others who are going through the same thing or to educate those who aren't - all to bring him glory!

And without further adieu, here are some silly things people have either said to me or assumed about me on the subject of adoption. They aren't wrong or sinful, they are just silly:

1. Don't assume the person adopting is struggling with not having "children of their own." Please don't feel sorry for them. I'm not saying the person doesn't or hasn't struggled with this - just don't assume they are sad they can't have children the traditional way. For me, there was a time of mourning of a dream but God showed me this is what he's intended since before time began (Although I could be pregnant next month, only God knows). The children we are adopting are not plan b they are simply our children.

2. Don't discourage people who are talking or thinking about adoption with adoption horror stories. I wish I could erase from my mind every story I have had to sit through about failed adoptions. I think the worst line is "all the kids of their own turned out fine, but the ones that were adopted turned out terrible." Even if this is true, please assume someone else has told them an adoption horror story. I promise it isn't your civic duty to educate them. And oddly enough, in the last six months I haven't had to sit through these stories. I am guessing it's the "talking" or "thinking" about adoption conversations that people think it's okay to share the stories.

3. Don't assume when there are fundraisers for adoption that they are looking for free money. Did you know the cost for foreign adoption is around $30,000? Even private American adoptions can be $25,000. Most people get pregnant for free. It's just the next 25 years (or more) they are paying for the child. I've had educated, godly people say they can't believe people have the audacity to ask for money to adopt children. Now, I will say that the parents need to be sacrificing financially in their own lives too. But $30,000 is a ton of money. Don't judge. You don't know what God has called them to and you can either be a blessing or a curse. Sadly, I'm a curse in many situations but I'm thankful God has graciously revealed to me my stupidity.

4. Don't say - as soon as you adopt you will get pregnant. I have said this before! I can't tell you how many times I have said this to people. But reading a great book (great book for anyone-not just those thinking of adopting) Adopted for Life, Russell Moore says that when we say this line we are minimizing the person's infertility or desire to adopt to a stress problem. I had never thought of that before. When Martin and I were at an adoption seminar a couple of weeks ago we went to a class on trans-racial families and as the speaker was describing his family he got to his third child and said Charis is three and we got pregnant with her. Yeah, we're one of those families. We all laughed and he continued on with the rest of his children. We all know it can happen. And I'd say 90% of parents it has happened to don't regret adopting. Those other 10% should have never adopted in the first place.

So as I step off my soapbox please know that I have absolutely no one in mind saying these things to me. I'm not sending out hidden messages to people I know, hoping they will get the hint. These are just some things that have been swirling in my mind for years.

And the cool thing is when I do get people saying these things to me I don't get upset anymore. I just try to remember the next time I am talking with the older single girl who wants to get married or the woman who can't seem to get along with her mother-in-law or the friend that is dealing with a difficult child to simply do two things: pray for them (and tell them I'm praying for them) and always bring the conversation back to Jesus. Because my stupid opinion is just that: stupid.

Day 297 - What's In A Name?

I haven't blogged much this month. It's been busy getting used to Martin's new job schedule and adjusting to the new crazy that we call life.

Saturday we filled out our application to our adoption agency. It took about an hour! I think God knew we needed a slow start to paperwork. Martin and I work well together when we are purposeful about it. Otherwise, it's a disaster.

Martin and I have been talking about names these last couple of weeks because we might be adopting a sibling group so we need to have several names in the back of our mind. And let me tell you, (which I know you all probably know this) it's hard! You think of a name then remember that your friend from college has a child with that name and it may be awkward to name your child that too. You throw out a name and your spouse says, Eww, no. I knew a kid in school with that name and he was so mean. And I've tried that whole, Then let's redeem the name mumbo jumbo and that went over like a lead balloon.

I want a name that isn't trendy but a name with meaning. Whether it's a family name or a biblical name or a personal name - but I'll say it again, it's hard! I don't want all of our kids to have the same first letter in their name. I'm not much of a pattern person.

I also have a hard time with meanings of names. Now, what I'm about to say is very Old Testament which can be VERY superstitious these days. Because I don't think God works in every way that he did back in the day. But my name is Sarah Elizabeth. That is TWO women that were barren for years in the Bible! So either it's nothing, a coincidence or I'm going to be getting preggers between the ages of 80 to 100. See? I know it sounds crazy but I'm just being honest. And you don't hear of many Jezebel's out there. That's all I'm saying.

I have decided to keep my name selection private (starting now). My friend Jayme did that until all four of her children were born and it not only kept the comments from friends and family at bay, it was also a great practice of self-control and I'm always looking to bring that one up on my Fruit of the Spirit list!

Day 287 - What's On My Mind

True Religion from Christian Alliance for Orphans on Vimeo.