So What Does This Mean?

Read an article last night that said they are stopping adoptions in Ethiopia by 90%. Not sure what to think. I feel numb. I know God has a plan through all of this. I know He works things out for good. I know He is in control. I know all of this is for His glory. I know the world doesn't revolve around me. But right now I'm just numb. I am angry at one thing: Now that Ethiopia is going to be taken away (I'm jumping to conclusions, but just let me right now) - I see that yet again I filled my heart with Ethiopia and the plans there instead of God. I made something else my idol. My ever wandering heart has been exposed yet again and I am thankful for that. Because if I never have children, if I lose it all, well, then blessed me the name of the Lord.

Pizza Anyone?

A few days ago, okay yesterday JJ Heller (wife, mom, singer, songwriter, crafter, pizza maker) put a pizza recipe on her blog (which I will post a link at the bottom of this post). It sounded so yummy and tonight I stopped by the store and got the ingredients I didn't have at home and while Martin was off at the gym training for his half marathon (that he doesn't know he's not going to be allowed to run if I have anything to do with it - if you're confused by that then you can read this post and it will make sense).

Martin doesn't always love weird things so when he saw the little pizzas I made he was sceptical. But no worries, he not only ate his little pizza but also his little pizza I made him for lunch tomorrow (good thing he went running!).

Here are the pictures. I sure wish they were scratch and sniff! :::







Here is JJ's blog post with the recipe. One ball of pizza dough made four little pizzas. Amazing!

Exposing of the Heart

I'm selfish. Sometimes I'm the last to know about it but because I am a child of God, He loves me so much (and Himself even more) that He exposes my sin and demands a change.

I've been going through a transition at work. My job hasn't changed but I was hired under our CFO who took over the duties of director in my department until we found someone. For almost two years I worked under the best boss in the world. I really mean that. I knew it would come to an end at some point and in January it did. My new boss is wonderful. He is getting to know the job quickly, he has a passion about it and has been very patient with me during the transition. But there is one thing that I don't like: Change.

I say I like change and I welcome it but I say a lot of things and think deep down that I mean it but when my actions are put to the test, I usually resist. So I've come home several nights in the past month frustrated by change. It's not because my new boss has done something wrong or mean or even changed my job. It's just I really liked it the way it was more than how it is now. And the crazy thing is - it seems that the way it was, was better - but having a new director in my job is best.

My mind automatically goes to the Israelites and how they thought Egypt was better than being in the wilderness. They were in bondage in Egypt. In the wilderness they were free. They were treated like animals in Egypt. In the wilderness they were given food every morning (that fell from the sky for goodness sakes!) and the Most High God led them around. Yet, because it was wasn't familiar, they complained and wanted to go back.

I'm embarrassed to say that God has exposed this resistance to change in other parts of my life. I sit here with tears in my eyes this morning. Not out of conviction but because today is February 3 and today Verizon Wireless customers can pre-order the iPhone. And I'm not getting one. I've waited a year for one. I decided against getting anything for Christmas so that I could buy one when they came out this year. But Martin and I decided that getting a smart phone, especially one that cost $199 (just for the phone), would not be wise right now since we're trying to save and pay for our adoption. I wish I could say that I want some babies from Africa more than an iPhone but honestly, right now I want an iPhone more. And that is embarrassing and sad and ridiculous and stupid and so short-minded. And it exposes a selfishness that didn't just come because of this circumstance. But because I have allowed it, for awhile, to come in my heart and stir and fester by soul.

So as I confess this before God and my blog readers (mom and mom Fern), I'm meditating on some words of Truth:

• For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, "Abba! Father!" Romans 8:15
• So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin. Roman 7:21-25

The iPhone will be old news in a couple of months. But the battle for my soul will be ever constant. And I have to stand guard and keep falling to my knees at the cross of the One who saved me because I am a worthless wretch without Jesus.

I Think I'm Going To Stop Counting

I ask you a question:

Is it okay if I stop counting my days?

(and another question)

Would that go against everything this blog is about?

You see, I spent the other night counting my days in my past entries because I realized I had miscounted somewhere and had to change my days in SO many posts. Which really messed up some of my posts that I mentioned the day in. I think I corrected it all.

Martin wanted to make a cute little spreadsheet for me to figure out my days but I really like counting with my fingers so I politely declined. I need feedback. If you think I should continue counting then I will (this is day 367, by the way).

The last few weeks have happened in a blur. I'm not very organized at this point in my life and it shows by the lack of blogging. The following are ways I'm not organized: my house is messy (not to the naked eye but if you sit down you will see the dust bunnies creeping out from under the couches teasing you). My devotion time has been a bit sporadic. I mean if I sit down at home I'm good. But it's mostly at work for a few minutes when I feel super guilty (which is the old man creeping in - thinking I can win my Father's approval by checking devos off my list). My exercise has stopped. I could give you really, really good excuses. One being work. It's a crazy time for me but I could still find an hour to work out if I really wanted to.

On a positive note, Martin and I are trying to be purposeful and sit at the dining room table for dinner every night and talk. My man is so busy with his big boy job that we go days without talking. We chat but talking is so rare. We're trying to do that at dinner and after. Also, we are being tight tight tight on our money. We are going to have to sacrifice when we have kids and unlike most people we are going to sacrifice to get our kids. SO God has allowed us to be tight which has kicked us both in the pants to do our part. This means Starbucks only as a special occasion (Martin's weakness) and out to eat for dates a couple of times a month (my weakness). We have done some practical things like cut some things off our cell phone and cable bill, canceled Netflix and a few others. That helps our monthly fixed bills.

So one day - will I have all that is unorganized and the great things we are working on all together? Not sure. But I'm sure gonna try.

Day 347 - New Thoughts

I've said it before and I'll say it again! I love sermons. I love lectures. I love to think. It's really weird because fifteen years ago I would have rolled my eyes to those sentences above. But now I find great joy in listening to sermons at work and then thinking through them on my usually silent drive to and from work. And let me tell you, I love music but as I've gotten older I have found that great conversations go on in my head with God and me during those 20 minutes to and from work.

I listened to Beth Moore as she spoke this year to Passion. Passion is a college seminar, if you will. It is tons of speakers and really cool Christian song artist all together down in Atlanta. I've never had the privilege to go and probably never will but they have put the speakers online for us old people and that makes me so very happy.

Beth, that's what I call her. I follow her on Twitter and she puts pictures of her camping trips up so I really feel like I can call her by her first name. She talked about renewing your mind. And then this morning I read about that in Ephesians 5. Something she said hit me and it's given me a new way of looking at things. It's nothing new and I should have known it (and I do know it) and I should be doing it (it's a discipline that doesn't happen by osmosis). Beth said that instead of taking something that has happened in your past or present and purposing yourself to not think about it any longer you need to change the way you think about it.

Have you ever done this before? I will purpose myself not to think about something that happened either going on now or in my past. It's usually something that someone has done to me or someone I love. I get so upset thinking about it and I'm ready to fight. Then I'll get convicted and confess my stupidness and resolve to not think about it any longer. Then I find myself telling someone about it three days later and getting all upset again. And so goes the pattern.

Beth (remember we're good friends) was saying that renewing your mind is not forgetting, it's replacing God's redemption over your life and your past. So it's almost like a filter. And when we filter our past and our circumstances in this way we are seeing them as God does - which is: everything happens because and for His glory (that's what John Piper talked about but that's another day).

Whoop! Whoop! Friends, what is more priceless than gold is a Truth from God's word put into real, everyday practice.

I highly recommend you watch/listen to the speakers at Passion. Ben Terry, one of my favorite bloggers ever has all of the videos up for your viewing pleasure. I think I might watch to them all about 100 times. Click HERE for the link.

Day 339 - Wholly Guacamole Batman It's Been A Long Time!

How did December pass so quickly? I ask myself. Well, let's see.

It started like any other December, I suppose but soon the month was interrupted by my granddaddy dying rather suddenly on December 12. It was a huge answer to prayer which sounds terrible but just trust me - he's with Jesus, right where he wants to be. That week was shot (and by shot I mean I got to spend a few unexpected days with my family!). The next week consisted of Christmas blur and now it's December 29. My mind wants it to be December 28 but it's not. Holiday weeks are so confusing for the order in my mind.

I was listening to Matt Chandler last week at work and he said something that I've adopted as my motto this year. He said (and yes, I pause, rewind and type out word for word) :::

My prayer is that we would experience a holy discontentment with where our lives are and a hope for where they could be.

Holy Discontentment
Do you get that? I actually get choked up seeing that phrase. I've wrestled with discontentment all year yet most of what I was discontent about was Holy. And instantly pride filled my heart with that realization. And that is the ever encompassing battle I have with Light and Darkness.

This year has brought so many changes in my heart. I have starting writing out my thoughts and I'm so thankful I actually did it. It's not easy writing things out. When I put my weaknesses, strengths, quirks, and neurotic behaviors out there I am giving people close to me (or not) a right to ask further about the deepest parts of my life. I've gotten frustrated about it and have fought through my struggle.

I remember sitting with my friend Becky (I wrote about her here) on her couch and she was bawling her eyes out saying that she craved beans and rice. She craved more for her family. More than her husband's job, her beautiful house in suburbia. I am now the age she was at that moment and now I know. I have knowledge, true knowledge of what she was feeling. I know we aren't moving to Mexico to be full time missionaries but God has called Martin and I to adoption. And my holy discontentment with the American dream, the sickness of the American church, and the unholy contentment of the American Christian has left me seeking God for mercy one minute and frustration with my life the next. Again, the ever encompassing battle I have with Light and Darkness.

It's almost been a year since I started this blog. My goal was to lose weight. I have. And I've put some back on. And I've lost some again. It's just like the title is called ::: two steps forward one step back. But God has started taking Martin and I somewhere. He's been so patient with us. He's been very loving by disciplining us. Martin and I have grown so much this year and we truly love each other more.

So if I don't get around to a New Years blog then we'll just say this is it okay? Thanks.

Day 311 - What If?

Something that has been going around in my mind is: What if I get pregnant while in the process of adoption?

While meditating on this question a lot of things came out. One was pride (surprise, surprise). I don't want to be that person. Someone who, ten years down the road tells a struggling woman who is thinking about adoption, Oh yeah we were going to adopt but as soon as we started the paperwork we got pregnant and we never went through with it. Honestly, there isn't anything wrong with that person because I believe that if you're called to something and seeking after God he will not let that calling go from your desires or life.

Lots of questions came up as I was meditating on this too. One was, should we still go on with the adoption even though I'm pregnant or hold off? The normal thing to do is hold off. But I'm not that normal so part of me wants to continue on with the adoption process while we are pregnant.

Then the guilt part came up while thinking on this. Guilty feelings all around! Should I bring a child into the world then go get more children from halfway around the globe in a matter of months or years? Or, is it fair to our children we adopt to have a baby at home to spread my time with?

So my solution to all of this? Birth Control. That's right, birth control. I need to go on birth control. That way I'm in charge.

BUT God's solution to this? Get over it and leave it to me. Stop wasting your time worrying and calling it "meditating."

So, I'm just not going to talk about it, worry about it, or "meditate" on it anymore. Starting now.