Dispensational, Party of One!

I don't love using big words. I enjoy taking concepts and words and trying to bring them down to the normal people world because well, I'm a normal person. Big words in the Christian world are almost as scary to me as big science words (and we'll talk one day about how many times I took Bio 101 in college). Propitiation, imputation, justification, sanctification, dispensation - all of these words are big and have bigger meanings. But we need to know them and to understand them if we are going to be growing Christians. Our Christian faith must be built on a foundation of Christ and the work he did for us on the cross. We can never sway from that. We can never tire of that. But in order to grow we need to know what big words mean and how they affect us.

This growing is not sexy. I don't use that word flippantly. It's not easy or pretty. It doesn't seem to get us anywhere in this feel good world we live in. It's like the vocabulary section of English class. We all hated it but it enhanced our knowledge of what we were learning, reading, and experiencing. My generations (I'm stuck in the middle of GenXers and Millennials) are not known for knowing meat in Scripture. If we grew up in church we've been somewhat tainted by either our loose Pentecostal ways or our strict fundamental ways. We want something balanced yet our balance looks lopsided if we truly step back and take a look-see.

My generations want to drink wine but have a hard time distinguishing where the drunk line is. We want to have deep spiritual conversations but we don't know the difference between covenant and dispensational theology. We want to better the world but can't find the balance of helping people physically and helping people spiritually. What we want is to make a difference. And for most of us, all we really know is that it doesn't look like what some of generations before us tried to accomplish.

Working away from Christian nonprofit for a time has its advantages. Instead of choosing a side of the evangelical line or square or pocket, you can kind of slide around and get people's perspective. You aren't standing there with a spotlight that says, "I am old-school! A Dispensationalist!" But now that I'm back and I work at a place with the word "Israel" in the title, I have to speak out. I have to draw my line in the sand. I have to ask myself, "Is this what I truly believe?" Because well, if it's not then I need reexamine my job situation. So I have. I did. And I came back believing and standing behind a faint line that was in the sand from the time before I left.

A Dispensatioinalist. When I was in Bible school in Upstate NY in the early 2000s, we had an entire class dedicated to this word. I was very confused. When I typed the word "Dispensationalism" in Microsoft Word, it came up with a red misspelled line underneath. What was this course that Word didn't even recognize as a bona fide word? So I did what any pastor's kid would do, I called my dad. I asked him what this word meant. How I've gone 23 years without ever remembering it being spoken. Should I be skeptical? We talked for a bit on what it meant and I came to the conclusion I was a dispenationalist, even if I didn't realize it. So what on earth is this word? What does it mean? And why in the world would a Bible college think it was important enough to have an entire course on it?

Renald Showers defines Dispensational Theology as, "a system of theology which attempts to develop the Bible's philosophy of history on the basis of the sovereign rule of God. It represents the whole of Scripture and history as being covered by several dispensations of God's rule." In normal people talk it basically means that when you take a look at the big picture in Biblical history through today, there have been different patterns in how God dealt with his people and accomplished his will. Okay. That is easy enough. I'm not reading on CNN this week how a group of people are destroying city's because God is commanding them to walk around a city wall and make some crazy noise and everything inside those city walls die. But he commanded that from his people at a point in time.

Today, dispensationalist aren't cool. They aren't hip. I'll talk more on that another time. But for now, after being away for so long, I am seeing the importance of living with the knowledge of big words and their meaning. For it gives me a deeper understanding of God. It allows me to dive deep into the deep end of Scripture and not shy away. For God's greatness is in the deep end. And he is a good God; He won't allow us to drown.

And even if I feel like I'm the only one that showed up to the reformed table as a dispensationalist, I'll yell out loudly, "Dispensational, party of one!" And I won't fight with others about it. I'll show my view and not hold to terms or symantics. I'll only hold to the cross and the rest, well it's just secondary. But that secondary things help make the cross that much sweeter. 

Love and War

I've never actually been to war. I played one game of paintball in college and found a corner to hide until the game was over. Nobody would want me in a battle with them, trust me. But life can sometimes feel like war. As Christians God tells us put on the Armor of God (Ephesians 6). Paul talks about us being in battle often. And there are two times in my life that I feel like I have been through something so intense and life changing that I will never be the same, like war.

One was when I went to Bible school in Upstate New York.  It was cleverly coined the "West Point" of Christians schools. It was two years of intense learning of the Bible. We had hard rules we had to follow. We had hard places we had to live out what we learned. It was intense and I'm really having a hard time putting into words what it was like. It's just that, you had to be there to know. And I can meet people who went to the school and we can start telling our stories and we just know what we're talking about. We know the life and what it did to us. We didn't even have to be there at the same time. We will never be the same and we come out of the one or two years we were there and we laugh and say, "How did we get through that? Were we really that crazy?"

The second time is now. Living up here in the city. Living this intense urban life. No one really understands it outside of those here or who have been here. Again trying to put it into words what our life is like right now is almost impossible. You just have to know.  You have to experience it. And having a community in the city is priceless. People that have come from all over the world to make it and experience the same things you are. People who have been changed by God and seek to love others. We get together every week like family and bond quickly because we are all we have here. Light in darkness. Yet we love those in the darkness. We want to love them to Life. It really doesn't matter how long people have been here. We all get it.

And a transient atmosphere comes with the territory. God equips, teaches, changes and then moves many people on. We've come to expect it. But it's still hard. It still hurts. It still sucks. Today we said "see ya later" to the Love family. They are moving back to Alabama and we know this is what God wants. We are excited to see what happens. We're excited to see God use them in major ways down south. But I have to remember that they need prayer. They are transitioning back into suburban life but they aren't the same people. They have experienced and have seen such a huge God in a Godless place. And to explain it to someone who doesn't know, is hard. So we will pray as we miss them. We will pray as we all get used to the new normal. We will pray as our hearts heal.

And as we sit around one day telling our war stories, we'll talk about the time that we lived a life eating dinner at 9:30PM and working 12 hour days like it was nothing. We'll tell stories about how God saved the unsaveable.  How he changed the unchangeable. How he used the unusable.  And how we got to be a part of it.  We will laugh and talk about how we can't believe we lived through it. And we'll say to each other "How did we get through that? Were we really that crazy?"

The Art of Being Good

I love rules. There is something inside of this second child that, although I like being a free spirit and have a strong will, I do enjoy a good set of rules. In school when the teacher would give us rubrics for a class, I loved reading it over and checking my work against it. If the teacher gave me points off, I expected it to be because I did something contrary to the rubrics. And because of all of this, I have decided that I would have made an amazing Israelite. I obviously could never have been a Pharisee or other form of leader, being that I'm a girl and all but I could've raised one or been married to one. I would have rocked as an Israelite.

I'm reading 1 and 2 Samuel again. I am so drawn to those books. Something about Israel not being satisfied with God being their King and wanting to be like other nations and have a physical king and God actually giving them what they desired, all to show them that it wasn't what they needed. Something about God choosing Saul, a handsome nobody to rule over Israel, again giving them what they thought they wanted. Saul tried to be a good king but the pressure of people and the love they had for David was so consuming it killed him. Something about David being this little ruddy boy that was such a powerful lover of and warrior for God. That he desired to please God and not men, enough to kill the man that helped Saul die. Enough to kill the men that killed Saul's son, although they thought they were doing good by protecting their king.

But I'm getting close to those words in chapter 11, "In the spring of the year, the time when kings go out to battle..." That little sign that David wasn't where he was supposed to be. He should have been out killing people. He should have been out doing what he was made to do but instead, he stayed back. And we know what happens. The looking, the taking of what isn't his, covering his sin by murder, a baby taken as a consequence and then blindness to what he had done. We know how Nathan confronted him and God allowed the gravity of his sin, not to Bathsheba, not to his wives, not to Uriah, not to Israel but to God to be seen and felt. "Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight," Ps. 51:4.

David was so good. He was a good Israelite. He believed God and followed him. You see it over and over again in 1 and 2 Samuel. He goes up against the giant as a young kid. You see him spare Saul's life twice. Yet, he is also capable of murder. Of adultery. Perhaps even of rape.

In our society people believe they are born good but then through society or circumstances or family they are made evil. This is why we are shocked by bombings and school shootings. How could someone do this? Who influenced them to do these terrible things? It's in our churches too. We forget Romans. We forget that Paul said that "just as sin came into the world through one man, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men because all sin." Romans 5:12. We forget he said, "No one is righteous, no, not one; no one understands; no one seeks for God." Romans 3:10-11.

It's easy to see the evil in the mean people. It's harder to see it in the good. Especially when it's you. I had a friend who is suffering because of something someone else did. She had nothing to do with it yet she is living the consequences. In her anger she yelled, "I did everything the right way!" "I didn't do this to me they did this to me." In her hot tears she quenched her fist and cried. Why would God allow this to happen to her? Why would God seem to punish her for doing right? She is a great rule follower. Yet, she is suffering. And as I was discussing this with my Maker, who is oh so sweet, He reminded me of something.

We all have sinned. We are all evil. We are all not worthy of any good. As much rule following as I have done. As much as she has done, we fall short. I was reminded of a time in youth group when our youth minister asked what we would say to God if he asked us why he should let us into heaven. And I remember thinking, because I don't drink or cuss or have sex with anyone. I'm a good servant for Jesus. I was serious. I was a great rule follower. But then our youth minister said, "If your answer was anything other than 'Because of what Jesus did for me' then you're living for the wrong thing." And I scoffed at him. I scoffed just like a good Pharisee would. Yes, Jesus dying was a great thing but I also did great things. And there in my depraved, dead heart I did not understand. I did not seek God. I was not righteous.

And how thankful I am that less than ten years later, I was pursued by One who chose to open my eyes. I was bought with a price that I could never repay and placed blameless before my Maker. To be able to have a relationship with Him. And read books like 1 and 2 Samuel and be in utter amazement of His patience and His goodness and His complete self-control to not zap His chosen people because of their stupidity. And then to be reminded that I deserve the same, no matter how good I am at following rules. No matter how much satisfaction I have in being "good"; Jesus is the only thing that makes me good.

Progress

Much of my difficulty in this transition has been shocking. There has been so much that has taken me by surprise. I have analyzed why this might be. Last week I went down to South Jersey for a retirement party of a former coworker and many people were saying that I was living their dream. I laughed because I AM LIVING MY DREAM! Yet, the reality of this dream is not as pretty as it was in my mind. I walked into this move thinking it was going to be fun. But that's not reality. We are doing what God wanted us to do. Why did I think it was going to be easy and pretty and dreamy?  For too long I've walked my Christian life scared of doing ALL God wanted. I've said, "Yes Lord! Yes! Send me! (Except could you make it easy and oh, please be gentle and oh, I'd like to take some things with me and oh, let's not be all weird cause then we'll be 'those people' - K? Thanks.)"  

But for only the second time in my life I've been willing to let go of it all. Everything. Honestly, I suppose God has been very merciful because He has done most of it for me. Stripping us of everything and everyone.  And as I have come to this place, our pastor tells about us about 40 days prayer our church is going to do together.  He preached on Joel 2:12-32. Verse 12 and 13 say, "'Yet even now,' declares the Lord, 'return to me with all your heart, with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning; and rend your hearts and not your garments.' Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love; and he relents over disaster."

I've been thinking a lot lately about when I first became a Christian. In April of 1999, I became a child of God. I really didn't know what I was getting myself into.  I just knew I did not have a relationship with God and I wanted one. I knew that in order for that to be possible, Jesus died for me and I could do nothing on my own but accept that sweet, sweet gift.  I was the whore wiping Jesus' feet with my tears. But now, I feel like I've morphed into the Pharisee trying to gain God's approval with my awesomeness.  It's not something I set out to do, but walking through life trying to make everything easy, it just happens. It's a side effect of an easy life. 

I am excited about our 40 days of returning. He's brought us to that point through these hard months.  I'm expecting great things. And I'm not hoping it will be easy, for the first time.

Just Breathe

Okay, I'm doing it.  I'm sitting down in silence and I'm writing. This is a big deal for me. I'm walking through something that I've never experienced in my life. A change so huge and uncalled for in my humble "I know better than God" opinion. So buckle up. I have no idea what's gonna come out.

We've moved.  We're settled in.  Many things have happened. Many changes.  Sandy and her Superstorm came to visit and so did my parents. (But not at the same time.) We have left our life in South Jersey and here we are - looking at NYC from our apartment.  It's what I've always said I wanted. Waking up to the view. Going to sleep to the twinkling lights of Midtown Manhattan.  Isn't this every city girl's dream? 

Yet, here I am in my paint stained yoga pants, tank top and hoodie. My hair hasn't been colored since well, the week of my birthday (that's August people. AUGUST).  I haven't left our apartment complex since Sunday morning and I'm not planning on leaving again until next Sunday unless something comes up.  There are good moments in all of this. Like my reading today to in 1 John 3.  That God loves his children SO MUCH he doesn't let them continue in sin. Oh how he loves us. Although I'm terribly ashamed to admit that I have doubted this in the last few months. Me.  This strong Bible educated woman of God, has doubted the love of her God. It's quite embarrassing to admit. I've honestly never questioned the foundational attributes of my maker in the fourteen years that I've been his child.  Not when Martin almost died. Not when Martin was recovering slowly. Not when we were in dark places financially.  Not when babies didn't come. And I have no idea why he's allowed this to be the time that I doubt. I have not gone boldly before the thrown lately. It's been more a slow shuffle. Like a child when they are being forced to apologize to someone.  There's feeling of embarrassment and shame. And this is contrary to the Gospel. Jesus bore this shame for me. Yet I like to take it back and wear it. Like picking old clothes out of the garbage when I have a new wardrobe ready and available to me.

Yet, I've really been worshiping the God of circumstance. This God is very fickle but I could visibly see him.  He gave me a job at a place that I loved.  It had its flaws but things were looking up and changing. This God also gave me a great house that was full of things. We were stuck in the house financially but hey, if you have to be stuck, it might as well have been there. He gave us a church in our neighborhood that we adored.  The God of circumstances also gave my husband a job that paid well. Nothing was perfect but in those circumstances, we were doing okay. We were slowly pursuing the adoption of a sibling group from Africa. We wanted that house full. And we bowed to the God of circumstance and said thank you for all you've given us. It isn't perfect but it's a full life.

Then God, the real God - the God of Abraham, Isaac and Joseph. The God who loved me so much he called me into his family because he wanted to - not by anything I did, decided to take me away from my idols. And they were good things.  Good but not him.  And he moved us away from all of that.  No more job. No more money. No more friends. No more car. No more babies coming from Africa. How could a good God DO THIS TO ME? Doesn't he love me?  Doesn't he care?  Doesn't he. . .

And as he is stripping me of the garbage clothes I'm wearing, the layers I've built up, the safety around me - he has whispered to me that he does love me (strips me of our home).  He does care (takes me from my good job doing good things). He wants what's best for me (stops our adoption). He simply wants me to follow him (moves me away from my community and friends).  And all that is left is an exposed soul. But what he sees  - it is beautiful. And perfect. And good. But not because I am those things. But because Jesus is and I'm his child and he has accepted me.

So in this hurting time, I am trying to be thankful and I'm trying to worship the one true God, not the god of circumstance. For that god is fraud. He is a fake. He is full of good things but empty inside.

Instead I need to get to know again and more deeply:

El Shaddai (Lord God Almighty)
El Elyon (The Most High God)
Adonai (Lord, Master)
Yahweh (Lord Jehovah)
Jehovah Nissi (The Lord My Banner)
Jehovah-Raah (The Lord My Shepherd)
Jehovah Rapha (The Lord That Heals)
Jehovah Shammah (The Lord Is There)
Jehovah Tsidkenu (The Lord Our Righteousness)
Jehovah Mekoddishkem (The Lord Who Sanctifies You)
El Olam (The Everlasting God)
Elohim (God)
Qanna (Jealous)
Jehovah Jireh (The Lord Will Provide)
Jehovah Shalom (The Lord Is Peace)
Jehovah Sabaoth (The Lord of Hosts)

Moving? Moving.

So, it looks like we're moving. Martin's job is transferring us way up north. Up north to North Jersey. That's right, Newark, NJ. Two hours from our sweet little home here in South Jersey. For those of you who don't know, New Jersey has two very different states. South Jersey is quieter, prettier, more rural and awesome. North Jersey is loud, crowded, more expensive and awesome. Did you catch that? I think they're both awesome. I really do. I have come to love this state and it's stinky "Armpit of America" nickname.

When Martin took this job, we knew we would have to transfer if he wanted to move up in the company. We simply didn't realize our first transfer would be only 2 hours away. We have both gone through MANY emotions during this decision. We have prayed and sought much wisdom. I sure wish our choices were black and white, but they rarely are. If he doesn't take the job then he doesn't have a job. If he takes the job then we have to move. We went from deciding to sell our house and losing a TON of money on it to deciding to rent it out and rent up there. We are completely open to other options, whatever they may be, but as of now we have decided that we need to move forward in the way it seems God is moving us.

I have been clinging to several verses. I literally say them over and over in my mind and verbally every day. The first is Proverbs 16:9, "The heart of a man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." The second verse is James 1:5-6 "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God who gives generously to all without reproach and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting , for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind." I don't want to doubt that God is giving us wisdom when we ask him. But it is SO hard when you are getting opinions from everyone around you. I am thankful for those opinions but I have to remember that they are just that, opinions.

I wrote a few weeks ago (months? not sure) about missional living. I truly believe that is what God desires of us and in a way, I see how moving out of our comfortable life will force us to live this way. Now, I'd personally like for him to force us to live missionally by allowing us to stay where we are but I don't always get what I want (gasp). Our pastor preached on Sunday a very disturbing message. I did not like it at all. I mean, AT ALL. It was so stinkin' convicting I could hardly stand up. He was talking about how we in America support and pray for our overseas missionaries and we don't even make relationships and share life and the Gospel with our neighbors. THIS is what God has been working with me and Martin on for years. But Tedd went further (meanie) to say, "WHAT A SHAM!" What a sham that we pray for OTHERS to tell people about our God but we don't do it ourselves. That is what kicked me in the gut.

We're hoping to move into a furnished apartment overlooking NYC. We figured we'd might as well go big or go home. I will look for a job close to the apartment or in NYC. Martin will commute to Newark. If we do this, we'll go down to one car (talk about simplifying our lives). We will need to rent out our house. We're praying (PLEASE pray with us) that God would direct the renters he wants, to us.

So you might be wondering, What about adoption? Because I'm wondering the same thing. Honestly, we don't know. Our homestudy is pretty much finished. (Thank you LORD!) But Ethiopia has slowed down dramatically. So much so, that Martin and I had planned to go through all the countries again and take them before God and see if he leads us to another country. I've explained before that we didn't pick Ethiopia for huge spiritual reasons. We simply knew we wanted to adopt overseas. We knew there was a great need in the country. We only wanted to do paperwork once so we chose to do a sibling group. And honestly the country was a bit cheaper and faster than other countries (which isn't the case at this point).

We ask that you pray with us in this process. We want to first glorify God in all we do. With all that is put before us we want to pray and take out much of the emotions. We know that if we are pursuing God through praying, his Word and seeking wisdom we are doing his will. The rest is simply details. And who knows, something could change and we could stay here. And I'm going to be completely okay with that.

Wedding Weekend!

The wedding weekend is over! Friday we headed down to Martin's parents house for a brunch with the Fern side of the family that was in from North Carolina and Ohio. It was nice to catch up with them. We then headed out to Ocean City. The rehearsal was pretty uneventful. Thankfully, everyone was on time and it only took about an hour to go over everything. I was a bit nervous at first because it looked like this for about 15 minutes:


Afterwards we headed to the boardwalk in Ocean City and had dinner at Brown's Restaurant. All of the out of town family was there and we were able to relax and enjoy everyone. We had a great ocean view at our hotel (right?)


After the rehearsal Martin and I had some fun taking pictures on the deck.

(I sure do love him)

Saturday morning we got up and walked the boards (that's shore talk right there folks). We stopped at our favorite coffee shop (okay, the only coffee shop on the boardwalk).


We slowly got ready in our room for the wedding. Before the wedding I ran some errands and Martin headed over to the best man's house to get ready for pictures. Missy and Tim decided to see each other before the wedding ceremony. Martin and I did the same thing. They had a fun "reveal" so that it would still be special and got most of the pictures out of the way. I personally love this approach. It's totally nontraditional but there is more time to enjoy each other during the crazy day. Yes, you miss the reveal as the bride is walking down the isle but there are special parts to both.

The wedding ceremony was simple and perfect. The dinner was yummy and relaxing. The night was just about perfect.

Here is Tim watching Missy walk down the isle. I love this picture because Maureen, Missy's twin sister is the one crying. One is gaining and one is losing. Makes me cry every time I look at it.

The happy couple after being announced as Mr. and Mrs. Timothy Fern.

Tim and Martin. Love this.

Oh, who's that good looking couple? Why us of course!

Easter in New Jersey 2012, Baby!

Martin's brother is getting married this weekend. I feel like they've been planning this wedding for 210 years. They've only known each other less than 2 years so I know that's not possible but it has seemed like forever. I'm thankful the Fern's are getting another Fern woman. We are now equal, 3 Fern men, 3 Fern women. The family is complete. Well, until we add kids and they add kids then we think it's finally complete and then one of us get a surprise and have one more. I'm totally predicting my future right now. I really have no idea.

That's really not what I wanted to write about. Easter is why I started this blog post. Martin and I alternate Easter and Christmas in Tennessee. We had Christmas in Tennessee so that meant Easter in New Jersey. My mother-in-law had no desire to bake a ham so we went to the boardwalk in Ocean City instead. (Isn't that what you do when you're m-in-l doesn't wanna cook?) We went to church in the morning then on to the OC for the afternoon. We had cheesesteaks and fries on the boardwalk and then Martin's parents walked his brother and fiancee back to their car and Martin and I spent some time on the beach. It was awesome as you can see in the pictures.

I spy with my little eye.

Easter 2012

Kitchen Redo :: Finished (sorta)

We finished the kitchen cabinets a couple of weeks ago but I was away for business two weeks ago then away at a ladies retreat that weekend so I finally got some pictures of our cabinets this weekend. I need to do a good scrubbing on the floors. We seem to have smudged some paint on the tiles. Thankfully a little scum remover will get that off. I just have to get on my hands and knees and that seems as fun as cleaning toilets so I'm avoiding it.

Just to recap here are some before, during and after photos.

Before

During

After

I'm thankful for my husband and a friend who wired and installed our new microwave above the stove!

Before

During

After

I brought some of my cookbooks out to the kitchen. I have them in our console table in our foyer and although I don't cook much with recipes, I do like the occasional glance at the ol' reliable Better Homes and Garden Cookbook. (That's where I learned to cook an egg.) (And where I learned to properly set a table.) (And where parts of a pig and cow are located) (By the way, it's not because my mother didn't try to teach me these things, I just thought I'd have a maid and or a cook to do all this stuff for me when I was older.) (I'm not joking, I really thought that.) I thought the books would bring some pops of color to the kitchen.

I didn't get a good shot of our fridge area before the reno but we had this charging station for our phones on the counter. I loved the idea of a charging station. I bought it on sale at Pottery Barn a few years ago. But these days we charge our phones by our beds and years ago we had phones and iPods but now we only have iPhones so it became obsolete for our family and the thing became a junk magnet. We decided to put our Keurig machine in it's place. This made the best sense because our coffee mugs and teas are in the cabinet above. It's been over five years but I'm finally getting the hang of practicality in the kitchen!

During

After

Basically we're finished with the kitchen. Basically. But we would like to put up backsplash. I'm not sure if we will ever get around to it. There are changes happening with Martin's job that I'll share soon. But we did buy a box of tiles and put them up to see if we like it. I do. But I think I'll give my poor husband a little rest first. I'm cool like that. Here's a preview of what's to come (maybe).

My Open Apology to Marriage

Dear Marriage,

I'd like to introduce myself. I'm Sarah. I'm a Christian. I'm a wife. I live in America. I joined your institution back in 2002. I met a cute boy that I really liked (and still do). We both thought we could serve God together better than apart so we went before God, our family and friends and made a vow to stick together through good times and bad and we would not break our vow unless one of us died. I was 25 years old when I said these words to my husband and I didn't know what I was getting myself into. I mean, your institution is hard work!

I need to say something. I need to ask your apology for how I've treated you, how we Christians have treated you. You see, We've have fallen into the trap of thinking you belong to the government. That you weren't something that God made up for his people, for him to show the world the relationship between him and his church.

To be frank, we Christians have whored you out. We've allowed people who weren't serious and had no business getting involved with you take advantage of you. We have made you the solution to our heart problems instead of directing people to our Savior first. We've said, "Oh, y'all are living together? Well, you need to get married. That'll make it right." Or, "What? You're pregnant? Then go get married." We Christians are not the poster children for you. We look for our own selfish gain and when we don't find it in our spouse, we break our contract and leave. It's nothing like God taught us in the Bible.

So now, we Christians act surprised that people are demanding that all people of any sexual orientation should get married. This is a hot button in America right now. (I'm not sure how much you are up on current events. I'm not even sure you have eyes or ears or internet for that matter.) As you probably know, the reason we are upset is because part of the foundation of Christianity is God creating man and woman in his image. It's not that we think (or we shouldn't at least) that people with a different sexual orientation are less than us. We just know what marriage is designed for and when we see it being political and not spiritual, we get our panties in a wad.

It's a contradiction, I know. We Christians like to use you when we want and many of us then get upset when someone else tries to use you. Again, I'm sorry we've whored you out.

So, I wanted tell you, as a young Christian who loves what you do and what you represent, I will fight for you. I won't go to Washington D.C. to fight for you. I will fight for you in my life with my husband. I will fight for you as I disciple young woman. I will fight for you as I meet with woman who want to rip up your contract with their husbands because they aren't being fulfilled.

Side Note :: And for those who want equal rights with marriage, we're sorry we allowed marriage to become a government regulated thing. It's a spiritual thing to us and that's why we get so passionate about it. And don't get me wrong, I know there are some out there that use this as another way to spew hate at you. Please know that's not what God EVER intended from his people. We love Jesus. We want all people to get to know him. You can. Just read about him in the Bible. He's the solution. He's not the fix (cause you're problems don't magically go away). He's simply the solution.

Yours Truly,
Sarah

So Close, Yet So Far Away

We have worked. And we have worked. We have labored and my bum might be eternally cold from sitting on the giant tiles in our kitchen, painting away. We see the finish line. It's close but yet, so far away. (See my play on lyrics? Hall and Oats So Close from 1990.)

(Which I used to think the name of the group was Hallenoats. That's a typical southerner for you, putting all the words together.)

(Which reminds me of I'm Every Woman by the late and great Whitney Houston. I used to think it was Climb Every Mountain. Sing it! You'll agree it COULD be.)

(I should do a blog post on all the sayings I've thought wrong. My worst? In sickness and in hell. I was nineteen and I finally asked my dad how that part of the marriage vows worked doctrinally)

Enough A.D.D., enough!

Last night, Martin put the drawers back in the cabinets. I put our cute contact paper in all of them and added the hardware. I then started putting contact paper on all of the bottom cabinets but Martin pulled me away at 10:30 so we could go to bed. We looked like two old people walking up the stairs complaining about our aching backs.

We still have the cabinet doors to paint, hardware and hinges to install, our new, smaller cabinet above the stove to paint and install and the microwave above the stove and electrical outlet to install but we are on the homestretch. The last lap. The final frontier. The end. Well, until we start the tile backsplash but it could be years until I decide what I want.

{progress in blurriness}

14 Week Challenge :: Week 5

I'm sorry to say that we took the week off of our challenge.

It's all because of this:

{before}

{prep}

{painting}

{the mess}

{visited NYC with friends and went to visit this}

The good news is that we did relatively well during our week off the challenge. We stuck to salads and an occasional Chick fil a run. We are back on it this week with minor alterations (like actually cooking at home). I'm thankful for a working dishwasher, oven and refrigerator. Our renovations aren't THAT intense.

14 Week Challenge :: Week 4

Welp.

I weighed in.

I feel we need a preface. The thing is. Well. You see. It's like this. I didn't actually weigh before I started this challenge. For about five years I have teetered around a particular weight and I knew I was above that weight when I started because my clothes weren't fitting very well (which means the buttons were coming off my pants).

I should have weighed but I didn't. And today I got on the scale thinking (and by thinking I mean hoping) that I had started four weeks ago on the number I thought I was. But then I looked down and I was that weight. Here is what went down in Sarah's head:

Wait, what? What the crap? Does this thing need batteries? How could I have lost zero pounds? I should've weighed four weeks ago. I'm totally not blogging about this. Maybe I should lie. Get off and get back on. Nope same weight. There is no way I was more than this four weeks ago. This was my starting weight in my head. It's my go to number. I'm so not blogging about this. I just wasted four weeks of my life eating healthy. I could've been eating Chick-fil-a. I could've been eating french fries. I bet my body shut down. I bet my body shut itself down and went into starvation mode. Yep. My poor body. I should get a Wawa hoagie today to shock it back to life. The big classic hoagies are on sale. I can't possibly blog about this. But my clothes are loose on me! Get off and get back on. But I feel better. I actually feel better so that's a good thing, right? I'm pretty sure this thing needs new batteries.

That all went down in a matter of 30 seconds. I went into the bedroom and told Martin the sad news. He said all the right things but I didn't want to hear them. He finally did what any sensible husband would do, left the room so I could hash it out with God.

After praying about it and calming down, I asked Martin for his forgiveness and concluded that my pride had stopped me from weighing in four weeks ago. I knew I had gained weight. I knew I was bigger than I have been for years. I was just hoping I would pass my "go to" weight and weight less than what was in my mind. Oh that pride. It gets you every time.

So, technically I've lost weight. But technically I have no idea how much that is.

The positives to better eating have been:

1. My clothes fit better
2. I feel better
3. I don't feel bloated all the time
4. I am eating what seems like all day long
5. I have more energy

There. I have confessed to you my pridefulness. I've been humbled (humiliated) and I actually feel better. Part of me wanted to throw it all to the wind and pick up a chicken biscuit this morning from Chick-fil-a but I instead ate some pistachios and a Luna bar. It's the little decisions I make that will make the biggest difference. Especially the decisions that are acted on when I'm an emotional wreck.

And let's face it. I don't want to look like Cindy Crawford (she was the "it" model back in my day). I just want to be healthy and learn who I am in Christ. I guess it's not ultimately about a number I want to be at but where my heart is in the midst of it. And people, that's okay with me. (Well, now it's okay with me, in those 30 seconds while on the scale it was NOT okay with me.)

A Couple of Things Part One

I'm a learner by nature. I love to be in charge of what I learn but God usually pulls the rug from under me and allows (and by allows I mean makes) me learn what he wants me to learn.

I just wanted to document some of the things I have been learning. Some have been of my choosing and some of God's. I intended this to be a shorter post but like Mark Twain said, "I intended to write you a short letter but I didn't have time." (I've actually seen that linked to Twain, Voltaire, and Pascal. So let's just say those quotation marks are used lightly. Thanks.)

Missional Living.

Martin and I have had a desire to reach our community for years. We have wrestled with how that looks and what we should do. The easy choice for me was to move somewhere else and start over. But God, who is ever so patient, has slowly shown us how to live missionally right where we are.

One of the major steps we made in this missional living is leaving our church.

What?

Yes, we left our church. We have been struggling with a discontentment for almost a year and half. We loved our church but couldn't put a finger on what was wrong. We decided to get more involved with not just one small group, but two. We also stayed on the missions committee. But the restlessness was still there. We visited some churches in downtown Philly and God showed us that going even further away wasn't what he wanted.

A few months ago, my coworker told me about her church. She said it was small and simple, meaning no programs. Then she said something that got my attention, she told us it was in our town. She encouraged us to visit with no strings attached.

I had nursery one Sunday so Martin decided to go and visit by himself. He text me and said they were having a baby dedication. To be honest, we aren't big fans of baby dedications. Most of them feel like christenings and well, we're just not into that. But he then text again saying it was for adopted biracial twins and the whole dedication was really simple and cool. That got our attention. We desired to be at a place that had diversity (which our town has) and having adopting parents in the church, well that was a BONUS (there just aren't that many of us around, people).

I was counseled to be cautious and take our time as we're looking for a new church. One day, as I was telling a friend about the church, I was explaining that we were taking things slow and something struck me that I had not thought of. Could it be that God simply brought us right to the place he wanted us to be? Can't he be merciful and gracious?

We made an immediate connection with the pastor and his wife and it just so happened he lived in our neighborhood. He shared with us his vision of missional living and how he has been praying for people from our neighborhood to start coming to New Life.

God has brought us to a church in our own town that speaks the language our soul has been crying for. It's not because it's better or cooler. It's because it's where God wants us to be and we're sure of that today.

We are praying and thinking about how our life is not about us 6 and a half days a week. It's about Christ and what he did for us and for the world. It's about us talking and getting to know our neighbors. It's about getting messy. And it's about not simply talking about it but actually putting feet to our faith.

That couple that was dedicating their babies, well they live in our neighborhood too. And we adore them. They have the same heart we have and we're working on starting a gospel community group. Not a small group or a Bible study. But a group where we can invite those around us and getting together may mean doing things outside of our houses. It's walking through crap with them and they with us. It's about hanging out. It's about opening God's Word and walking through it. It's about praying for our neighborhood and each other. It's about eating together. It's about laughing, a lot of laughing. It's not about us huddling in our houses all week (although we're doing that way too much right now). It's not about talking about getting together, then not. It's not about saying with our words we want to change, but then doing nothing.

The hard part is waiting on the change. I want everything now. But I have seen God transforming me in small ways. Honestly the ways are probably small because I don't truly want change, but he's so good and patient with my ever wandering heart.

Our pastor showed us a video. It was about a pastor who did a church plant in Washington state. His vision for the church is missional living. And he said this:

A lot of churches have just become orphanages. They know how to have babies and they have a couple of dads and moms for the babies but not nearly enough to care for them well. And they don't send them off to start new families. So its a perpetual orphanage that they created. I think a church committed to multiplication will have great leaders because they have to train them up to raise their own family some day.

I have chewed on that for weeks. In my laziness, I am drawn towards someone else doing the work of Christ. But thanks be to God that I am not a girl who has to continually live a Romans 7 life. I am a girl that gets to have the victory of Romans 8.

More later.